Unsaid words.

I'm not a huge fan of unsaid words... but nevertheless, more and more of them are piling up in my life.

It mostly happens at night when I'm thinking about basically everything in my life. I think about my relationships with others and what I'd like to tell them, good and bad things. Then I write my words down in letter form or typed form; but mostly they simply stay in mental ink, and have faded almost completely in the morning, when I feel embarrassed about my late-night thoughts.

But is this really right? I gave one of these late-night writings out to the addressee only once - and the effect wasn't what I expected.

Somehow everything seems easier when you think about it in your bed, because you don't know and don't have to deal with the reaction of the other person. In most cases I think the other person would be happy about me telling them the truth about my feelings if they are positive - but then I think about the complications it might cause. Maybe they'd think about it a lot and create an interpretation that I didn't intend to come up, or maybe they wouldn't understand how serious my words really were (the thoughts I have at night are usually very emotional and intense.... and the pure truth). When I read my texts later, I am sometimes impressed by the variety and intensity of feelings that I've put into them. Sometimes people say I'm not very emotional when it comes to relationships, but I know they are wrong. But they can't know about all of the emotions sleeping inside of me when all I do is expressing them in unsaid words....?

Well, they have one thing in common. All of these unsaid words belong to persons who mean a lot to me and who I don't want to lose. I've lost a few of them already - maybe because they never knew how important they were for me. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I'd just pick up the phone and call them, tell them everything I want to say straight away. But then again I don't know if it would turn our relationship into something that's even more complicated, especially when it's connected to romantic issues.

The perfect place.

Sometimes I start dreaming when I am at the bus, tram, train or just at home. My thoughts go to some place or city where I would like to be most, where I would feel at home.
Sometimes music helps me going there. I'd like to put this place into words right now because I just travelled there again some minutes ago.

This place is near the sea.

I love the sea because I can't see it ending. In 2oo8 I've been to Brighton, UK for six weeks. I sometimes felt really desperate (especially during the first days in a new environment) but when I went near the ocean, even when strong winds were blowing, I felt calm again. Endlessness is something that helps me calm down because I don't feel like hurrying anything any more. It also makes me embrace the future I cannot see yet and feel okay that the unexpected might happen, positive and negative. Because the endlessness of the sea will always be there, and so will be the endlessness of options in my life.
Maybe there is also an harbor where I can see ships leave. Not only with freight but also passenger ships that take people to places they've been dreaming of for a long time. Make their dreams come true at last.
I am happy that I was able to keep the emotions I felt near the sea deep inside my heart so I can recall them when I need that certain calmness.

That city is safe. I'm often craving for a walk outside, especially during nice summer nights but I am just too afraid something bad might happen to me outside as we have quite a lot of criminality going on where I live. I often feel limited because of the bad that is sleeping inside of humankind. I can't go out when and where I want to go because something bad might happen to me, I am easily scared by this thought...

There are a lot of cafés and cozy places.

During the day, especially in the summer, I often feel like going outside and being somewhere where I can let my thoughts flutter around me like colorful butterflies. Where I can put my notebook down and close my eyes. It's also not possible where I live because I know no such places here and it's too noisy in our garden.
Sometimes I think my favorite place would be a big city with a huge park but I am not sure. Maybe the hectic around me wouldn't be good for me. And of course it wouldn't be a safe place at all and I also wish for that.

There are (antique) bookstores and a picturesque old town.

I love to walk around places like this, and of course I love books! I think I would spend many hours in a place like this. They give me inspiration.
I felt this when I spent my holidays in beautiful villages and cities in Southern Germany and Italy. Needless to say that I list these when I am asked for my favourite travelling aims!

Well, this was it for now. I think I will write more about this when something new is coming to my mind! ^__^
If you know a place like this in the real world, tell me about it.

Haircolors.

There's not really much that you can change about your body, right? Right.
I personally like changes because I think they are what makes life exciting and what keeps myself going. That's why I like changing my body, too.

I altered my body in non-permanent (piercings) and permanent (tattoo) ways. I'll definitely write about those one day, today I want to write about colors. Haircolors!
I used to change my eyecolor (green) to brown with circle lenses and still like doing this, but nothing makes me happier than changing my haircolor. Sometimes these experiments end in some mess but I still like it then. I feel so new after changing my haircolor from dark to light and the other way round, or just after adding highlights.
I just did that today. I changed my black-blonde hair to black-brown again and the brown turned out great (it still hasn't dried completely, maybe I'll change my mind.. but not now ^_^). I feel so different from before. Sometimes I just like to change what I see in the mirror every day. My feelings are in a constant change, too, and my life still is changing often as well... maybe I just want this to be reflected in my looks. I also like changing my haircuts but not so often. I prefer wearing it differently (up, down, curled, straight, crimped, wavy) and grow it long :).

I think my personality is quite stable. That's the only part of me that I don't like to change much. But my body is something that I want to be changed, always. It makes me feel like myself because I know I can always change the way I look and that I am free to do so if I want. Freedom is another subject that I wish to write about later.

See you!

The start.

I wanted to have a new blog for a long time. A place where I can be myself & pour my heart out. I'm not necessarily giving this blog out to all of my friends. Some may stumble over it when they try to find me, but most of all I want to write down what's on my mind. If someone reads it, then I'm fine with it :).

These days I am not floating too high. Rather I am on the ground of the sea with the pressure of tons of water and the world above it lying on me. Life is not easy these days, I wish it was.
Sometimes I'm losing my hope. Hope is basically what is keeping me alive because I always wish for the better, so I feel really empty when it's gone. I'm trying to restore my 'hope batteries' these days, finding some light to guide me out of the darkness that fell over me when my heart was broken recently.

What do you do when you feel lost and empty? I always listen to music then. It helps so much, and I started to create my own tunes as well. Nothing has made me this happy in a long time. Art really is my passion, art of all kind. Letting music in my life in a completely new way is definitely good for me! I feel closer to music in general, which is quite fascinating. But writing about music like this is way too shallow as I feel so much more about it. I might post an entry just about music one day, when I feel able to put my feelings in words.

See you later!